Begrudgingly Bridal Pt. 3: The Wedding Rules

For legal reasons due to threats of violence, this is a joke.

• No Baby’s Breath, Literally or Figuratively

It’s an ugly flower and I don’t like children. Don’t bring either of them.

• Unplugged Ceremony

As the only exception to Rule #1, I am allowing my older sister the option to bring her daughter, my niece Sloane.

If she is in attendance, Sloane will not be my flower girl, she will be my phone girl. She will be armed with a traditional floral basket, but instead of tossing petals, she will be confiscating phones from anyone who is rude enough to have their phone out during the ceremony.

During the reception, instead of a bouquet toss, there will be a ceremonial phone toss.

Finders Keepers.

• “Something Blue Crew”

I had never heard of a “Something Blue Crew” until I started planning my wedding. Basically, it’s a group of girl friends who are second draft bridesmaid picks. They still have to do shit for you and they wear blue dresses the day of the wedding.

What a dumb idea.

However, I will be employing some girl friends to carry around vials of the blue dye from tampon commercials to dump on anyone wearing a white or white-adjacent outfit.

My something blue.

• Keep Your Opinions to Yourself

I don’t want to hear it, the groom doesn’t want to hear it, and neither do our mothers. Any “advice” should only be shared with either one of my Maids of Honor, who have been instructed to promptly tell you to shove it.

• Party!

This is literally all I want.

A vibrant celebration with my family, my friends, and my future husband. Booze and food and music and dancing!

If you are not joining in on the party, my cousin has volunteered to act as “Bridal Bouncer” and he will escort you out, especially, if you do not dance to “Temperature” or “Gasolina”.

Move it and groove it!

• Bonus: Songs that have been banned

The Cha Cha Slide

The Cupid’s Shuffle

Don’t Stop Believin’

Any love song by Ed Sheeran that has blown up in the past 5 years.